“Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn’t know was possible.”
— Tia Walker
"How do I talk to the doctor during an appointment about Dad? If I say my dad is hallucinating, he'll get pissed off, and everything will go downhill from there. What should I do?"
Her voice cracked when she asked me.
She was doing everything right: showing up, helping her dad with managing his medications, getting dressed, bathing, keeping his home free and clear of fall hazards, etc.
But when it came time to tell the doctor the truth—that her dad believed people were breaking into the house every night—she was stuck.
Her dad would shut down or lash out if she mentioned it.
So the doctor, seeing only a polite, elderly man with minor complaints, would miss the full picture.
This moment has stayed with me for years because it captured something so many caregivers struggle with:
Trying to protect someone’s dignity while still getting them the help they need.
As a home health clinician, I’ve seen this play out countless times.
A daughter or son will hover at the edge of the conversation, worried, watchful, clearly wanting to share something more.
You can feel the tension.
The love.
The fear.
The quiet calculation of Should I say this now? What will happen if I do?
You want to tell the truth. But you also want to keep the peace. And you certainly don’t want to make your loved one feel ashamed or blindsided.
It can feel like there’s no good option.
But there are ways to speak up without causing harm. Here are a few that have helped others:
3 Gentle Ways to Communicate with the Doctor
1. Write a Private Note Before the Visit
Call the office a few days before and ask to send a confidential message for the doctor. Keep it simple and factual: "My dad believes people are entering the house at night. It causes him distress, and I worry for his safety."
2. Use a Quiet Moment
If your loved one steps out for vitals or the restroom, you might have a brief chance to speak privately. Be ready with a sentence or two: "While they're out, I want to quickly mention memory loss and paranoia. I'm happy to follow up later."
3. Schedule a Separate Appointment
Yes, there may be a copay. But some caregivers find it worthwhile to book a brief visit or call with the doctor to share observations. It avoids conflict and helps the provider see the full picture.
A few other things that can help:
Ask if the office offers a caregiver intake form you can complete ahead of time.
Make sure power of attorney (if applicable) and HIPAA forms are on file.
Be cautious with shared online portals like MyChart—your loved one might see any messages you send.
Listen…you’re not being sneaky.
You’re being a good caregiver.
And that means protecting your loved one’s dignity while also making sure they get the support they need.
Take heart. You're doing something many people don’t see: showing love through courage.
Weekly Resource(s)
📋 How to Prepare for a Medical Appointment — Mayo Clinic
Practical tips to help you get the most out of every visit.
💬 Pathways to Effective Communication for Health Care Providers and Caregivers — Family Caregiver Alliance
A clear guide for navigating caregiver–provider conversations.
Until next time, remember:
You can be both honest and kind.
And in caregiving, that balance is a quiet kind of bravery.
With you,
Bryce
P.S. If you haven’t already, come join me on social.
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