When Caregiving Exposes Who Your Siblings Really Are

"I will sever all ties with them once our parents are gone."

That raw confession showed up in my inbox from a caregiver support group this week. It wasn't said lightly.

It came after years of being the only one showing up…managing medications, coordinating doctors, cleaning out the house, and shouldering the emotional weight of watching a parent decline.

Meanwhile, her siblings?

Absent.

“Monday morning quarterbacking” from the sidelines.

Or worse, ready to "take" what they wanted from the estate without lifting a finger to help.

Another caregiver wrote: "I'm the youngest of 4 girls. I work and have 2 teenagers... my other sisters 'can't handle dealing with dad.'"

And this gut-punch: "People say 'oh 7 siblings. Must be wonderful to have so much help.' Makes it worse knowing you should have help and don't."

If you're the primary caregiver in your family, these words probably hit close to home.

Because caregiving has a way of pulling back the curtain on who people really are—and sometimes what we see breaks our hearts.

The hardest part isn't just being overwhelmed. It's realizing that the people you expected to show up simply won't.

Growing up, many of us absorbed the idea that "family is everything"—that when life gets hard, family rallies together.

But caregiving often exposes cracks that were always there, just hidden beneath years of holiday get togethers and birthday cards.

Sometimes it's distance.

Sometimes it's denial.

Sometimes one sibling was always the "golden child" and others just assumed they'd handle everything.

And sometimes it's plain selfishness wrapped in excuses: "I'm too busy," "I don't have the money," "You live closer."

But here's the truth…

When you're carrying the load alone, the why doesn't matter. What matters is that you're drowning while others watch from the shore.

And that changes how you see family forever.

• Stop waiting for them to change. If they haven't stepped up by now, they probably won't. That's painful to accept, but accepting it is the first step toward your own peace.

• Set boundaries that protect your sanity. If your siblings won't contribute, they don't get to control decisions. If they criticize your choices, you don't have to listen. You can say: "I'm happy to hear your input when you're ready to help with the actual caregiving."

• Build your own support network. Look for respite care, caregiver support groups, or trusted friends who actually show up. Many caregivers find that their chosen family becomes more reliable than their biological one.

• Let go of the fairness myth. Family doesn't always mean equal effort. Love doesn't guarantee reciprocal support. Sometimes peace comes from accepting what won't change and focusing on what you can control: which is choosing to respond instead of reacting.

As one caregiver put it: "Just because we happen to share DNA doesn't mean I have to share my life with them."

You have permission to prioritize your own well-being.

📚 Book Pick: They're Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy by Dr. Francine Russo — A practical guide that addresses the real dynamics of sibling caregiving conflicts with actionable strategies for managing difficult family relationships.

👉🏾 Support Resource: Family Caregiver Alliance's "Caregiving with Your Siblings" Guide — A comprehensive fact sheet that covers sibling dynamics, family meeting strategies, and practical tips for getting reluctant siblings involved. Includes scripts for difficult conversations and guidance on when to involve outside professionals to mediate family conflicts.

You're not selfish for wanting help.

You're not dramatic for feeling hurt.

And you're not alone in choosing your own peace over family dysfunction.

Take care of yourself with the same fierce love you give everyone else.

With you,

Bryce

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