"The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere."
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Someone asks how your mom is doing.
You say, "She's hanging in there."
They nod, satisfied, and the conversation moves on.
But what you didn't say…what you almost never say…is that you can't remember the last time someone asked how you were doing and actually waited for a real answer.
Not the polite version.
Not the version that makes them comfortable.
The real one.
The one where you'd have to admit that you're not sure how you're doing because you haven't stopped long enough to check.
Where you'd have to say that some days you're fine and some days you're driving home from their doctor's appointment and suddenly sobbing so hard you have to pull over.
Where you'd have to explain that you're tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix.
But you don't say any of that.
Because saying "She’s/We’re hanging in there" is easier than watching someone's face change when they realize they asked a question they weren't prepared to hear answered.
So you keep it light.
You keep it manageable.
You keep it moving.
And the gap between what you're living as a caregiver and what you're saying grows wider…and wider.
Why We Stop Telling the Truth
Look, it's not that people don't care.
Most of them do.
But somewhere along the way, you learned that brutal honesty has a cost.
• People get uncomfortable. They shift in their seats. They offer advice you didn't ask for. They try to fix what you're saying instead of just listening.
• You feel like a burden. The more you share, the more you worry you're sharing too much, asking too much, expecting too much, and needing too much.
• It's easier to perform "fine." Because if you start being honest about what caregiving is actually like, you might not be able to stop. And you're not sure you can handle what comes out if you do.
So you edit yourself.
You sand down the sharp edges.
You give people the version of your caregiving life that fits in a 30-second hallway conversation.
And you tell yourself it's fine.
What Happens When You Can't Say What's True
The gap between what you're experiencing as a caregiver and what you're allowed to say doesn't just disappear.
But it goes somewhere.
Sometimes it becomes:
• Physical exhaustion – Your body carrying what your words won't
• Irritability – Small frustrations feeling irrationally massive when you’re already carrying too much
• Isolation – When you're surrounded by people, yet you feel completely alone
You start to wonder if maybe you are fine.
If maybe you're making it all bigger than it needs to be.
If maybe everyone else would handle this better.
But you're not making it up.
And the weight is real.
Even if no one else sees it.
What It Looks Like to Tell the Truth (Even Just Once)
You don't have to announce your entire caregiving reality to everyone who asks.
But you might need one person…just one, who can handle the unedited version.
Someone who won't try to fix it.
Someone who won't minimize it.
Someone who can sit with you in the mess without needing to clean it up.
What honest might sound like:
• "I'm struggling more than I'm letting on."
• "I don't know how I'm doing. I haven't had time to figure it out."
• "Some days I'm okay. Some days I'm not. Today's one of the not days."
It doesn't have to be dramatic.
It just has to be true.
And when you finally say it out loud, even once, something shifts.
Not because saying it fixes anything.
But because carrying it alone was making everything harder.
Weekly Resources
🎗️ The Caregiver Space — Online Support Community
A nonprofit peer support community where caregivers can connect, share experiences, and be heard without judgment.
🤝 Caregiver Action Network — Toolbox & Support
Free, caregiver-focused resources and community connections to help you feel less alone in the caregiving journey.
You don't owe anyone a performance of "fine."
Not if that's not what's true.
With you,
Bryce
P.S. If you haven't already, come join me on social. I share daily tips, personal reflections, and first looks at upcoming caregiver tools and resources. Even one post might shift your whole day, or remind you that you're not alone in this.
